__ these memories..

haixx.. in the morning trying to study.. sit at the sofa den my mum sit next to me.. i was thinking why she sit next to me.. i wanna walk away from her.. i cant concentrate.. den i stop studying when i haven start.. after that my siblings go in her room.. sat there and watch tv.. she ask.. want to see ah gong not? if dont want maybe cannot see le.. den i cant stop myself and burst into tears.. ran into my room and cry.. haixx.. why did she say that.. both my sis still dunno how bad the situation is.. haixx... think my ah ma sit there the whole night le never go home... haixx.. we just back only now my mum ask my dad to go again.. my dad never sleep until... haixx... hope i can concentrate tmr!!! IP die le ba...

8:45 PM

went to hospital.. he's already asleep.. the sight of seeing him tremble make me bu ren xin kan xia qu.. doctors cant operate on him cause the vein or smth is too thin and is at the back of his head.. heard from the adults says it's still bleeding.. haixx.. i cant take it anymore.. he suddenly look so weak to me.. so thin.. he looks like he's suffering.. and his high blood pressure is still too high.. in a critical condition.. but there's nothing much we can do.. haixx..

3:20 AM

why do i keep thinking of the worse thing?? why cant i see the better part?? but mum says... doctors cant confirm... what will happen.. haixx..

2:58 AM

dad side: 爷爷(aka yeye) 奶奶(aka mama)
mother side: 公公(aka ah gong) 婆婆(aka ah ma)

today went out for dinner.. took a long time before the dinner actually is been eaten.. half way thru my mum got a call.. my ah gong got stroke i think... den my father suddenly talks about my yeye when he got stroke that time was at home.. he was calling for my dad saying his arm cannot move.. he wants to go to the toliet.. that was during dinner time.. after dinner parents brought us the kids home and they went to the hospital to see my ah gong

at home.. when i went to bath.. i suddenly think of my yeye who past away a long time ago.. i miss him so much.. come to think if it i think he's the one who cares me the most.. haixx..crying now.. nvm i shall continue.. now i only can rmb the bits and pieces of memories of him.. those memories is when i'm very small.. before i even go to school i think.. wahh 3 years old.. i got a photo where i took at my very first home i live in.. my yeye that time haven stroke yet.. all the memories with him when i was little.. i only rmb me and him.. where's my brother then? i cant rmb :D... haixx.. i miss my yeye.. when he past away, i didnt let out a tear.. i dont know why.. but when i thinks of him today... i feel super sad.. why suddenly i miss him?? i dont know.. arghh... really miss him noww.. haixx..

photo i took..when i was 3 rmb my yeye is right below the stair case..
this shirt was my favourite when im small...

think i'll go visit my ah gong with my brother later...

11:37 PM

i shall not care
i shall forgive
as thou are kids
but the anger inside me shall not cease

too much for me
they took it easy
no one cares
it doesnt matter

live my life low
hide from others
is what i had to do
so not to hurt myself

take every comment in
never to make a sound
listens even if it doesnt sound nice
keep it inside me

i shall go rest
away from the rest
focus on my studies,
concentrate. all the best

11:34 AM

kinda of miss-ing my friends.. not sure why.. maybe im feeling lonely now.. really stressed up.. not because of exams.. because of wss.. again . . projects already hand up.. teacher make us rework.. exam haven finish teacher ask us go back school do.. now i have to cancel my driving lessons for it.. talking about driving lessons.. my dad kept asking when will i get my driving license?? super stressed up.. arghh!! maybe i should really quit.. take my steps smaller.. i dont need to climb so high.. i think im afraid.. next sem will change class le.. may no longer be in same class as my jie mei-s... i kept thinking.. i'll be lonely in the new class.. all alone.. no one to depend on anymore.. i really need someone to depend on.. haixx.. im useless.. not independent type.. scared of this scared of that.. if im all alone.. i dunno how i can carry on to study.. if i dont uds who can i ask.. if project problem.. who i can refer to? haixx.. why do i have to choose? i hope the path just laid there and i'll walk and keep walking.. hate to choose.. thats why i dont do the choosing.. always ask people to choose but i always says dont want.. what do i really wants? i dont know also.. i think i'm lost.. real lost.. dunno where i belong anymore.. missed my pals.. but all gone.. sooner or later.. nvm... doesnt matter... no one cares.. im by myself.. got to sleep. tired.. talking rubbish.. dont mind me =. =

11:51 PM

i knew smth like this will happen..i knew it... thats why i always dont like it to be like that... i hate it.. simply hate it!! first, my friend and family member know each other.. they become close friend is what i hated already.. this is how bad my jealousy is.. and now... i dunno what to say.. i got no reason to say i hate her but i have to act against my will... haixx.. dunno how to face her le.. pretend like i always did.. last time my sis now her.. haixx.. why i like that.. now even worse.. the reason why i hated it is because they chat and laugh without me i guess.. and worse super worse.. is they talk behind my back.. the last thing i ever wanted.. i knew they were talking behind my back le but worse thing is he said it.. haixx.. hope i dont see him ever again siaa.. not again.. talking behind my back is the worse thing i ever wanted people to do.. thats why i dont really chat with people.. i dont people to talk behind me!!! im super depress now!! haixx.. wanna cry le..

10:06 PM

haixx.. it's been days since i on my laptop.. thanks small sis for helping in fb.. help me to harvest all my crops.. hahass... den i steal abit of her time and try to blogg... just wanna update on what i'll be doing for the week since i'll not be online... for this week.. morning will wake up about 4:30am to go down with fat sis and maid to run...bout 5 to 5:30 come home bathe den start study.. cause i study at home halfway will dont feel like studying so i decided to study with friends so will meet them outside at bout 12 everyday.. at different places.. den 6 will end everything and go home.. slack at night.. have dinner, rest and go to bed.. coming thursday small sis bday.. haixx.. they both bday so close de.. mine still long long later... nights all..

9:31 PM

haixx.. the problem is back.. im hating people again.. always the same old problem.. my problem.. hope they stay away from me so i wont hate them more.. and of course dont talk to me too.. it'll be ok after a few months.. like it always did... cause i'll just forget about it.. stay away..

9:12 PM

haixx.. haixx... i want to sigh badly... haixx..

9:07 PM

tried of studying when i haven even start.. really dunno how to start.. feels like i want people to spoon feed me things to study.. sorry if i make you feel like that.. hahass.. must heed advise to sleep now and study later.. nights . . .

5:47 PM

haixx.. no mood to do anything today.. games was like so not fun today.. anime was like so boring today.. haixx.. what can i do? i want study but i dont want.. haixx.. very fann arhh...

1:20 PM

OMG.. so scary siaa.. the stupid thunder scare me again... my heart never stop beating fast for at least 30mins cant calm it down siaa.. haixx.. idiotic thunder.. last time not so scary de lor... haixx

2:24 PM

scary night yesterday.. thanks to that person who reminded me of it.. i was so scared that i went to bed just before 12.. cause i was alone in the living room and i think too much... lying on my bed.. as scared as ever.. i try to think of other stuffs and all i got was being sad... so i slept being sad instead of being scared.. hahas.. very funny hor.. i rather be sad than scared siaa.. cause i know if im scared i really really cant sleep.. den i will hide under my blanket.. thinking of all the horror stuffs...

9:36 AM

too much that i feel like crying again... zzz...

11:29 PM

what have i done? i'm stoning at that dp again..

11:09 PM

好辛苦!! have to keep it to myself... i missed..

8:49 PM

haixxx... got a pimple on my lips siaa.. so funny.. lucky its not very big but its obvious!! haixx... i eat le still hungry.. later eat apple see howw..

1:31 PM

hahas... i found out i have a new ability.. and that's to make people hate mee... :D

1:24 PM

am super stress now.. stress till i wanna cry.. haixx.. anyone there to help me?? i guess no.. arhhh!! really sleepy le... it's like when im doing my 'O' level art.. crying and doing at the same time.. through out the whole night.. it makes me think of my stupid teacher who ask me to redo my work and next lesson ask why i redo.. make me damn mad at her... haixxx... stress stress!!

11:25 PM

omg i just stab my own heart..

6:09 PM

feel kinda sick today... like smth stuck in my chest.. cannot breathe properly.. very xin ku.. haixx.. dunno what to do today.. aimlessly walking around my house.. blank mind make me cannot work for my action script test.. arhhh.... feel like sleeping my way the whole day... if it make me better..

12:51 PM

haixx.. shouldnt have say it.. but still it all end up with the word "you".. tmr will be a sad day i guess... haixx.. nvm.. shall live with it...

12:21 AM

OMG whats happening to mee.. sad now... haixx.. crying siaa.. dunno why..

1:20 AM

omg.. the same person make me sad and happy at the same time siaa.. hahas.. laugh my head off...

1:06 AM

i dont hate.. i'm just sad.. real sad being hated by people.. i dont want to be sad.. i want to be happy.. dont make me sad.. you sad your problem.. dont make your problem my problem.. i just dont want to be sad anymore.. it'll affect me alot..

11:05 PM

today almost faint in bus siaa... people smoke den come up bus.. den i cannot breathe properly for half my bus trip home... some more when the smell just gone another one come up with it... make me so breathless siaa..

7:25 PM

guess it's not me..

8:13 PM

it's super weird... people just came outside my house.. we opened the door.. den they moved things in without telling who is it from... no receipt.. no nothing.. and they went off... the things they say got fountain.. den we saw catalog.. alot of things.. seemed like it's used things.. but why is it sent to our house.. called dad.. mum.. no one knows.. we just left it there.. WEIRD..

3:03 PM

feel kinda fainty now.. maybe it's because haven had any meals today only cornflakes.. waiting for sis to come back cause wanna share KCF tgt.. but she no reply de.. i'm so hungry noww... i'm trying to avoid the words i saw.. also dunno if it meant me.. i'll go back to one piece.. it's making me feel better :D... except for the fainty part.. very xin ku now.. feel like vomiting.. yuck.. the last sickness i ever wanted...

12:46 PM

arhh...was thinking not to hate her today.. but still at the end of the day.. she say smth about me.. to another person.. hate it when people talks about me.. the idiot person called again.. twice today.. but i just hang up the call.. hope after a few day the person will be tired of calling someone who will never pick up his phone... wendy seems like not going to quit wss noww... im still thinking... but chalet must push back.. i think push back people dont want go le.. i dont want like that.. but if earlier i cant go. i also dont want that.. hope they choose to push back..

5:51 PM

omg.. SH is so dead.. last year classmate used her project to hand in.. it landed her with a new project... and she has to finish it by next week.. haixx.. how to help when i'm dying myself... arhhh...

2:31 PM

hate being take advantage of... being in wss doesnt mean we're really good at it.. not like i dont want help.. i also 自身难保 already.. i think i learn lesser then those in my class.. teacher is teaching the very basic... super basic.. most of the things my class uses i dont know how to use also.. teacher never teach.. but people thinks we're in wss so we're suppose to know.. im tired of it already.. i have no chance in the competition.. not enough time for my friends and family.. and most importantly myself... i dont want to be so tired.. i want to laugh my heads off in school with my friends.. i have little friends in school siaa.. super scared next sem im going to be alone.. im so gonna be a dead body..

11:14 AM

feel like crying siaa.. shouldn't even play online... now people thinks that im avoiding them.. actually i am.. but when they smsed me i replied.. but dunno why never sends thru.. den people see me online in fb.. den angry.. OMG.. hate the feeling of being misunderstood... haixx.. nvm.. sorry..

10:38 AM

omg shouldn't cut hair.. the short hairs are like standing.. arhhh!! not listening to me.. haixx.. thats why i hate cutting hair.. short hair stands.. yucks..

10:22 AM

wahh idiot siaaa... i give le still say not enough.. den say take from my dad's coin box.. which we always did secretly.. but that time we caught my ah ma stealing money from there la.. keep lost money den ask dad will ask us when we never take le.. the coin box only impt den parents not home not enough money go take de.. now i must hide my purse.. haixx.. baby here.. have to take care cannot study.. she will come say.. i want you... in chi-na stupid.. arhhh!!!

9:49 AM

arhhh!!!! hatred.. ah ma lend from me money again.. not like my dad never give money arh.. always take from us.. worse thing is never return.. if no money dont take taxi la... idiot.. so near only why dont take bus back... everytime take taxi.. i so big i take taxi i thing less than 10 times my whole life.. and i take taxi alone only once.. den the kids everytime come here take taxi.. although is near but bus also can siaa.. saved like bout 4 bucks per trip.. times amout of times the come my house will be like more than 100 bucks le.. can go buy pampers for the baby siaaaaa.. wahh hungry.. haixx.. no energy to angry le.. go find food.. my life.. haixx.. so sad..

9:43 AM

hahas... got that dream again..it's kinda blurred now that i cant really rmb what really happens...it's not like it's bad..but it's kind of im not suppose to dream about it anymore.. its kind of like the first one i got but i think is different plot.. hahas... i rally think the Proverb is true....

[日有所思，夜有所梦] which means
[That which one thinks about during the day, is what one is likely to dream about at night.]
i think about it when im day-dreaming.. think about it when im watching tv with kinda same scene.. i think about it when someone says the same thing.. i think about it when im about to go to sleep.. it just happens.. it pops up.. and there's nothing i can do :(

felt kinda lonely this few days.. today is kinda worse cause sis all go school.. worse part is my hateful cousins are coming again.. i cant study at all with them here... why do they always come to my house.. my mum had enough.. we do too.. mum says someday they will come take over our things if we got too close to them.. im just playing with kids.. haixx.. but my ah ma also too much.. we ren for so long le.. sunday mum angry with her.. cause my maid already cook smth for us in the morning.. den my mum called home.. maid out.. ah ma answers.. mum wanted to buy mac for us.. den she called home to ask.. ah ma always that kind dont want waste food.. but guess what she did.. because of the kids, she asked my mum to buy extra set.. when mum came home.. she saw food and got mad.. if she knows got food she will not buy mac le.. but because my ah ma says so she bought it.. one extra for the kid.. den evening that time we wanted to cut hair.. told ah ma about it and wanted to leave.. ah ma say cannot cut hair dunno why.. den mum got mad and kind stomp off.. mum was like grumbling things happen in the morning and now cut hair she also must care arhh.. after we cut hair we go walk walk in the shopping mall.. den eat.. when eating.. mum keeps nagging and scolding about what happen that day.. and the past.. talks about the mahjoong people which always play mahjoong at my house.. talks about the increase of electric bills.. the mahjoong people also irritating siaa.. my parents never play they still play at our house.. everytime de.. we not at home they just come and play like our house is some kinds of gambling den.. sunday is the day we always cant study cause they will always be there.. so super noisy.. fully packed house.. if never book place must sit on the floor siaa..
den bro brought his friends over also.. everytime do work until morning.. den that day i sleeping in my room he keeps opening my room door.. thanks to sis she cover me with her blanket.. if not i dunno what his friend see man.. im dead asleep.. stupid bro why keep opening my room door.. his friends come keep using my things.. my dolphin.. my dove shampoo and conditioner... OMG i think of it again.. the theme park scene.. haixx.. i dunno what to say le..

hope today TF never sms to go school.. im too lazy to do so.. guess i'll study at home today with the noisy kids.. cant stand.. forgot to mention.. i broke my everyday routine today again.. i forgot to put hot water in my first cup of water everyday..when i have one mouthful.. it feels kinda wrong.. den i go add hot water :D.. wahh type so long my water cold again..zzzz...

8:48 AM

can wait for thursday when the program arrives... wahahahaha... so sian... trying to study but like cant concentrate... maybe my head just dont want to put the info in... trying hard to at least write useless notes... arhhh... studying in my bro's room cause his friends all come siaaa.. den take up my small living room... so we took his room :D den they on air con... not like we always can ... everytime his friend came the air con on de.. den now th electric bills increase like 100 plus.. den mum blame on us.. complain to us say we on air con and fan... but really super hot... den i want on fan only but sis dont wan she say hot but i think if on fan only at night will cold what... haixx... using bro's com secretly cause he went out with friends to eat... hahas.. gotta logoff now :D

3:00 PM

i think i find it hard talking to people on msn or sms... i feel that people are getting irritated talking to me.. maybe i'm starting to have attitude problem... i dont know also... i wanna hide some where... haixx.. dont wanna go online anymore till i think im comfortable to do so...

10:50 PM

so irritated.... too angry to say it... arghhhh!!!!

11:05 AM

decided not to show the post now... if no one sees it...shall keep it within me :D.. smelly fun night... had pepper lunch with khim singhuiqi... real funny.. went pool for bout an hour and left for home... feel kinda thirsty now... zzzz.... sore throat haven ok yet.. no point seeing doc for such minor things...i go drink water!!

10:36 PM

i had a sweet dream

11:13 AM

getting real siann... haixx.. needa return to school for 3 weeks during the holiday every single day...zzzz... from 8 till we finish everything for that day... haixx... wondering if i should quit..zzzz... arhhhhhh... tmr dsa test.. not really confident.. but decide to take the 15 marks and the rest depends on if i know how to do... wish got the comments so easier for meee...CS even worse... so scary and have to do live de... later people laugh all that.. ps siaaaaa... national day people get to have half day off.. i still have to do alonggggg day where mum and sis 们 go out...zzz.. comical family i had... have to share with my 姐妹们 tmr when have time... arhhhhhhh..... did great today for both the test... nothing more i could do to improve myself on the respective tests... still having sore throat... it feels kinda bad now!!! this moment... arhhhhh hate it!!

11:34 PM

sian 1/2 x millions... hate tuesday~~ no matter how ealy or how late i reach school~ i'll still be the only one in class... somemore am sleepy~~~ and bored~~~ someone pls kill me~~

8:13 PM

omgg... i saw the name that never fails to drop my heart.. zzz...

11:58 PM

arhhh.. why my blogg alignment like that...zzzz....

5:49 PM

haixx... feel like i'm getting lonelier.. my jie mei's never come school this few days... T_T suppose to study jap today in the end nothing again.. cause of CS.. arhhhh... i'm so bad in time management haixx... gotta type out the script first... den study php for tmr's test.. and lastly jap... abit tonight and tmr the rest.. kinda last minute like i always were.... haixxx.... cant change the fact...jia you everyone...dont give up... good luck in all tests and exams...

5:45 PM

i want to talk but i'm afraid i dont know why.... cant concentrate on my studies... just staring blankly.. maybe im not in my studying condition now....

9:06 PM

i feel sinful

8:23 PM

having weird dreams for the past few nights... dont really like it.. wonder why will i have this kinda dreams... just got my wss project.. it is also equals to wpdp project which my classmates done... they've got about a month to do and we only got about 2-3 weeks to do... really shagg... this week got 4 impt things... jap test, php test, dsa test, and comm skills... all thursday friday siaaaa... arhhh... how am i going to make it... next week will be better ba... only nsim lab and CT.. den i'm down with IP and Maths Exam plus wss project and Action script test.. i think.. haixx... today gonna study Jap, do my nsim equiz and abit of php...

4:49 PM

why do i feel like everyone is hating me and i'm starting to hate myself... zzz... looking at my friend today... she's in pain and there's nothing i can do to help her.. so useless.... i'm so worried now.. haixx... hope she feel better each day... stm of mine isnt working when i want it to.. some memories cant be forgotten..

i will not spam mail ever again.. i promised..

8:03 PM

time should heals

10:50 PM

sorry i'll never do it again...

6:22 PM